LOST, SO LOST THAT I’M FOUND

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I used to think that falling was part of my growth process: falling, crying, hating, reacting, raising again, holding on, rebooting, living! As animals we are supposed to follow the same life cycle to maintain a certain balance. Therefore, we are in this planet to push life forward day by day: no excuses, no objections: the rule is severe: “keep fighting or let it go for good”. Darwin was sure of it, so that he distinguished weakened from fighters leaving no hope for the first ones. I guess he was wrong. You know, I’ve touched the bottom a couple of times and still, somehow, I managed to raise and fall again. But this time is different: I’m lost, truly lost. I lost the love of my life once again, I lost friends I used to trust, I lost money, I changed my house, I lost part of my health. I knew I should have been stronger and face Life once again. But I was lost and that’s all I could find in myself. I’ve been lost for months and I still am, but it doesn’t matter anymore ‘cause losing ourselves can be okay, it’s okay not to be okay. In this messy ground I am sitting on, I found myself comfortable and safe. Maybe this time is okay to stop and stare and wait a while until the bruises hurt less. Noises from people that know better than you, tears wetting my pillow, medical exams as reminders on my desk: I don’t shut any of it out anymore. I am lost but I found a way to be lost in peace: I found myself: a person I can always rely on, a great friend ready to listen. I don’t need anybody else: I love me! With my weaknesses and my sexy humor; I love me with my shy strength and my curious appetite for Life. I know now that it’s all About Love and, at least for once in this life cycle, is about ME.

Annunci

High Heels, Love, Life

High Heels, Love and Life

Being woman is not an easy task to attend: we tell ourselves that we have to be good in all we do: either job or family. We tell ourselves that we need to be even stronger and more prepared than men ‘cause one day they might leave us. We tell ourselves a lot of lies. The truth is that “we don’t have to”: we “want to”. That’s what makes us amazing creatures: the choice we make every day to be more than a simple human being: we choose to be Women.

To expose the concept clearly, I want to tell you a funny anecdote happened to me few days ago. I was surfing on the internet looking for some new high heels. Summer is near and parties and short dresses cannot be worn without the appropriate pair of shoes. Anyway, I suddenly realize that I missed the feeling of those uncomfortable footwear. Easy said, easy done, I wore my red high heels and, as they were magic shoes, I start wondering if Life and Love were like high heels: un uncomfortable desire that brings joy and pain.

Since the first time you see them on the shop’s window, you magically fall in love with that particular pair of shoes: maybe is not from the new collection, nor the classic model, nor a sober colour. But it’s Your model. The same happens to Love: you see him from the opposite side of the road, you follow him, you want him: not ‘cause is from a new collection of cool sexy guys, nor ‘cause he has money falling from his pockets, nor ‘cause he’s from your same Country or colour. You choose him ‘cause he’s Your man. Nevertheless, Life has some similarities too: you live your life not ‘cause someone brought you to life without asking, nor ‘cause you have to, nor ‘cause of your surviving instinct. Oh no, you live ‘cause it’s Your decision.

But, as for high heels, also Love and Life are not easy to wear. The first impact at the shop could be: “well, to be honest they are comfy: it’s not going to be hard this time”. So you buy them, you go home happy waiting for the moment you will wear them again. As shoes are such a great affair, your boyfriend will seem the right one: the right choice. Then it’s time to bring these new high hills into the society: show them to your friends, get ready for critics, hoping that they will not let you down or annoying you with some bad cramps. Your boyfriend goes through this as well and sometimes some bad critic could raise, but you’re confident and together you go through that hand by hand. After the party you go back home and, if they were really a great deal, you should have just a little pain: more like a feeling of heavy legs. Here comes the “one to one relationship”. You will have unforgettable days, but they will all bring a bit of “heavy legs feeling”. That’s the moment to be lived. Most of the time Life is on high heels, we cannot ignore that. But it’s up to us, up to Women, to stand on them and be sure that in our hearts, the Love at first sight that we felt, is not an action finished in the past; it something that we can carry on with pride every day. It’s a gift that Life gave us. So let’s smile in front of our shoes, let’s be happy with our beloved because there is nothing better than living twelve centimetres higher. If high heels are really like Love, I will run on them. Get ready Life.

Silence is needed

Once upon a time there was a little house in the middle of a courtyard, a little princess wondering about life and a massive, deep Silence. Not a single sound around her, not even the night train to Milan. Nothing. The Silence was so strong that the princess’ ears started to whistle and her heart to beat faster. She was there scared even to wait for some noise… Would it be good or bad? 

That’s exactly what happens with Love. It starts very loud and very present: it’s in every single part of the day. When we are in love, each car and park; each shop or street, reminds us of our lover: that one that we left in bed few minutes before! Love is like this! It starts loud and it goes on with whispered words. When in bed, when in complete armony within the two bodies and souls: that’s what happens to Love. It starts listening  to lovers in such an intense way that words are not required anymore. Breathing and panting are the masterpiece of a writer. 

Then the world stops for a while, a long while. It’s time for silence. 

There is no one in the little little house, there is no one in the courtyard, there is no train to Milan. There is only Silence and I am lost in it. 

Love has got all of me, I reached the highest part, where words and sounds are nothing else than distant noises. It’s just me, myself and Love: in peace. 

The Danish girl

imageA couple of days ago, I convinced myself to watch “the Danish girl”. I was so excited about this story when it first came out as a movie. But then none wanted to go to the cinema with me and you know how does it works, days pass and your beloved movie is no longer on the screen!

It happened that there was nothing on tv that night and I had this “Danish girl” on my usb stick: I had no program made, I was too tired and too lazy to even think of something to do! Finally, I had that feeling…. that sensation that I needed time for myself only. Is it ever occurred to you? The need to stay in silence, listening to someone else story, imaging it as yours.

I pushed play and, with no breaks or pauses, I watched the whole movie! There was love, passion, creativity, life!

It might have been another city, another time, but I felt I was there in that “not too fancy” house, with no much money on my wallet but definitely with love in my eyes, in my spirit, in my smile. I was there, in those blankets that hold lovers as me and Tom.

For those of you that don’t know the plot, the protagonist discoveres to be attracted by men instead of women. Although the initial shock, his wife finds a way to let him be himself and finally, to be free.

Until their last breath, through bad and good, they have always act by heart, driven simply by their unconditional love. That love story was all About Love.

I wish everyone to find a person that sticks with you throughout life: true love is rare but not unreal. Trust me.

Love can have a lot of shapes: it can keep together , it can separate, it can stay in one’s heart for very long time.

Love is more than just a movie.

Dear readers

Dear readers, or most likely, dear me;
It seems ages since the day I went back to my own Country, while I can still count the days using my fingers and toes! The truth is that time can be a feeling as well! The time you spend with people you love, flies even too quickly, as it happened in the last few months in UK. While time far away from those same persons appears to be never ending. Sitting in this train, going back to a place that was used to be my house, I wonder where is going to be my next one. I have the chance to change: to move to another city, have one or two jobs, be alone again. When Tom was next to me everything was brighter, warmer, funnier! I guess it’s one of Life’s game: one more. I hope to be wrong, but I am not sure Life fancies my existence too much! Anyway the reason I am writing this article is to analyse if achievements can lead to happiness equally with or without the people you love. This type of love is really close to selfishness, because in most cases, to reach the goal, you need to make a sacrifice, either in your relationship or on yourself. Everyone knows that very rich people are not happy at all, money don’t bring happiness and so on…

But, what about common people? Normal salaries? Everyday families? What about the most of us? We are those who play almost safely, calculating all the risks and consequences before accepting an offer or a job. We do minimalist as much as we can because we sake happiness with limited resources. For us, to be a bank manager is a big deal and we know that it has a price: family. But nevertheless, the selfish part of us wants that position : so we find millions of excuses; we convince ourselves that we do it for our kids, for a better future!bullshit! We do it for ourselves, for te most selfish part of our soul. And deep inside, we know it.

Are we still talking about love then?!

That’s exactly what I did all my life: being selfish, running from one Country to another, convincing everyone I had no other choice. In a way it was true, but deeply inside, I was just selfish. It seems like I dot learn at all; now I left Tom behind to come here and do what everyone is expecting me to do: to start all over again; but I am paying the price; my own happiness. I will leave my family and the love of my life behind, I will close my heart again and I will start a new adventure. Where is my happy ending then? That light at the end of the tunnel? Probably I missed it, as we miss a train because we were too busy thinking and calculating!

Love and Happiness are not part of a scheme or the result of an accurate analysis of reality; Love is Love and that’s it, just Love. And I missed it.

Wine and cigarettes

I’ve always been one of those girls that dreams about indipendece: about living alone in a flat, wandering around the house in top and pants; with a glass of wine and a cigarette between my fingers. Carrie Bradshaw style. 

The truth? It feels good only the first few days, then it’s… Lonely, just lonely. 

Once I had it all; sharing a house with my BFF gives you half of the  chances of being alone, but when you’ve got it, it’s great! Time for myself was short and intense. But the best part was that at the end o the day, once under the sheets, I wasn’t alone. An awesome man was coming back from a late shift at work and I was there, full of myself; ready t give me all. 

Once I had it all: now it’s just cigarettes and wine.

Chances and changes

Chances and changes.
Alone, in the cosiness of my bedroom with a hot-air balloon as a lamp and candles around the bed, I couldn’t stop wondering if changes are chances or deadlines. My one is coming too fast, a deadline that I tried to avoid for over eight months. It’s coming with the cold that winter brings, as a frozen cake for my 24th birthday. That’s it. In or out. Time, life, my closest loves, a whole team walking against me, facing me, asking for a change with a deadline as witness. And I am alone. Scared to look into their eyes and take the chance that requires a change. But what if I didn’t want any chance? Any change! I am sitting down here, just a duvet cuddling me, but still: I can feel it, I can image it: the love of my life sitting right behind me, keeping me warm between his arms, two lovers in love: one writing, the other checking ebay! Why would I want to change something so perfectly innocent and pure!? Life could be so easy if we would have the power of pushing away the cruelty just closing our eyes. In this last year, I hold inside so much pain, that I wish only to close my eyes for a long time, waiting for my spring to bring me back to life.

I think too much, I act nothing.

I think too much, I act nothing.

This big fight I am having inside is destroying me in a way I didn’t know yet. I keep pausing my life in the hope of finding a reason for all of it, a way out to this desperate living. Day by day, month by month, I didn’t figure it out a single solution. Probably it doesn’t even exist, I am just chasing ghosts.
I had plans, I had a list, I had to tick off my problems one by one. I end up by collecting them and feed them with anxiety and sadness.
I came here to UK to shake my existence, to have a second chance and make it in life. After two years, I thought I’ve done a lot, but it looks like I am at the starting point again. If I move to another place, it’s a matter of time it will be the same. The problem is not the place I am in, the obstacle is myself: unable to live alone and reach happiness in myself only. I swear I would love to scream until the words dry out, show the whole me and release the hurricane. But, too many people could suffer, too many wounded.
I realized, by talking to people, that everyone has an opinion; everyone has a solution. Everyone but me.
I collect and spread so much pain in this last year on the name of growing up and be myself that I didn’t count the weight of consequences. After losing the one I loved, after changing houses and jobs, after crying at night and surviving during the day, after fights and love, now I give up.
No more energies for me. No more dreams or things in the list to tick off. No more search of happiness. No more fighting to show the whole me. No more.
Holding this thought in my head, I started rolling underneath the duvet. Few toes coming out from the very end of the bed and my head as it was under water, in an oblivion where sounds and silence are fused. In that almost unreal atmosphere, I saw myself giving up, chasing a relief. I saw myself months after the “give up moment” seating on a sofa waiting for next order. Then in realized I was pressing my fingers against my left arm, the pressure I was exercising was giving me a little pain, enough to hold on. I was hurting myself.
I pulled my head out of the water, my feet kicked the imaginary oblivion under me, I raised up. Finally, with my head and body out of the duvet, I understood: giving up is not the solution. It’s my very end. I collect myself still covered by tears and I started this article.
The pain, the bad moments, the obstacles, the lack of oxygen when in a crying crisis, the sense of guilty, life slapping my face. The whole of it wasn’t enough to obscure the Love I received, the people I met, the great memories, the cuddles in the night, the smiles and the tricks he was used to play to me to distract me. As a daddy that sees the kid hurt and on the edge of crying, he quickly saved the moment by showing him an airplane in the sky.
Some of my friend left, some of my relatives left my side, the ones that once declared to love me, left me. At the end of the trip, few are left: few friends, few family, one big love. I can keep pausing myself and blame all those who left a hole in my heart, or I can realize that some holes would ever be filled up again, I simply have to let them behind me. I need to leave winter behind me and find a big, new, full of life, ground to plant and give space to those that are still next to me.
To all my readers, to the few of you, I ask you to stop for a minute and think about love, love for yourself.
I discovered that loving myself is not a selfish thing: it doesn’t mean I have to push away the others. I love myself when I am proud of myself: for what I do, what I reach, what I create. I was looking in the wrong direction: I thought that in front of me there was a two ways road: my family or my love. There are not that type of roads my friends, there is me, happy of the sensitive person I am showing the others that it’s possible to love ourselves and the others in the same road. We just need the right light to show us the way.
That’s what I pray for: show me the light so I can stand up and be the leader I am. Because I know, at the end of it, it’s all about love!

Masterpieces

Recently I found myself in a deep meditation about achievements in life. Do we really score the goal? Do we cross the final line saying: “yes I’ve made it”?

I felt the need of going outside in the World and figure it out; facing people, asking for an honest answer.

First, I found a friend of mine, a great woman, a strong fighter in life, “a lady with balls.” She said to me that she is always scared about the future and she never believes she will reach the sky. But, meanwhile, she is incredibly confident in her abilities and ready for the next challenge. She confessed me her secret: “ask for help when you need it, ‘cause it’s not a lack of strength, it’s a strength for your lack.” She finally managed to win a high position as a researcher in the University. She is 24. Surprisingly, I felt jealous: not because I would like to swap my life with hers, but because she had a plan, a dream, she fight for it and she achieved. Now she could sleep peacefully at night cause life for three years from now has been already written for her.

Scrolling Facebook pages and friendships, I crashed into another friend, or better, an ex-boyfriend!  He is that type of guy that doesn’t want to run: everything by the right time, even a little bit later on! I heard about him several months ago, I could say almost an year! Last time I talked to him, in between the affection and the anger, I felt great showing to myself that I was doing something, while he was stuck in his bachelor’s life. I was dem wrong. Slowly slowly, he entered a group of engineers that projected a kart model: his dream since I know him. I can lie to myself, but pictures do not. He went through what was his ride and he won the competition. Seconds later other pictures came out: the rest of his life. I was happy for him: cars, girls, friends, parties. But most of all, I was happier for myself; happy cause I made the right choice leaving him: he wouldn’t have changed his life for me in all these years; leaving me crying instead, hoping for the impossible.

I came back home, light on a cigarette and switched on my pc. Blank page, blank me.

Sadly, I feel lost: “For all this time, was I still working on my masterpiece or was I pausing my life finding excuses?”

I finished the cigarette and switched off the laptop.

Days later I am still here, underneath my duvet this time, asking myself the same question. I am scared to face my own life: to resume what I’ve done, achieved, lost. This last year has been a sequence of life proves: from my job situation until my health, from the lack of love until the essence of it, from my victories that turned into losses. I am at that turning point in which you ask to yourself: “and now what?” what am I going to do with my life: not my parent life or my boyfriend life, no, my own life, Isabella life! Am I going for a speech therapist course? Am I moving to the Como Lake? Am I leaving my boyfriend? Am I closing doors with my family? Am I going to write my book finally?

Am I simply going to face life or keep it quite under this duvet?

Answers, answers, answers! A suffocate pressure in my veins. I mean it literally. Recently my heart is beating faster than usual and it’s happening now that my deadline is closer and closer. So quick Isabella: answers.

Masterpieces take time. That’s my excuse. I really want to do something great out of my life. I still don’t know which one is my destiny, my way to happiness. For sure I will not find it under this duvet but I am so tired of everyone ready with answers and solutions that are not me. Too many “bla bla bla ” that are only “lari fari” to me: I want to finally feel it in my soul: I will find my own way, I just need  time to work on my masterpiece and once finish it will be the best of me. Get ready World, I am waking up.