Recently I found myself in a deep meditation about achievements in life. Do we really score the goal? Do we cross the final line saying: “yes I’ve made it”?
I felt the need of going outside in the World and figure it out; facing people, asking for an honest answer.
First, I found a friend of mine, a great woman, a strong fighter in life, “a lady with balls.” She said to me that she is always scared about the future and she never believes she will reach the sky. But, meanwhile, she is incredibly confident in her abilities and ready for the next challenge. She confessed me her secret: “ask for help when you need it, ‘cause it’s not a lack of strength, it’s a strength for your lack.” She finally managed to win a high position as a researcher in the University. She is 24. Surprisingly, I felt jealous: not because I would like to swap my life with hers, but because she had a plan, a dream, she fight for it and she achieved. Now she could sleep peacefully at night cause life for three years from now has been already written for her.
Scrolling Facebook pages and friendships, I crashed into another friend, or better, an ex-boyfriend! He is that type of guy that doesn’t want to run: everything by the right time, even a little bit later on! I heard about him several months ago, I could say almost an year! Last time I talked to him, in between the affection and the anger, I felt great showing to myself that I was doing something, while he was stuck in his bachelor’s life. I was dem wrong. Slowly slowly, he entered a group of engineers that projected a kart model: his dream since I know him. I can lie to myself, but pictures do not. He went through what was his ride and he won the competition. Seconds later other pictures came out: the rest of his life. I was happy for him: cars, girls, friends, parties. But most of all, I was happier for myself; happy cause I made the right choice leaving him: he wouldn’t have changed his life for me in all these years; leaving me crying instead, hoping for the impossible.
I came back home, light on a cigarette and switched on my pc. Blank page, blank me.
Sadly, I feel lost: “For all this time, was I still working on my masterpiece or was I pausing my life finding excuses?”
I finished the cigarette and switched off the laptop.
Days later I am still here, underneath my duvet this time, asking myself the same question. I am scared to face my own life: to resume what I’ve done, achieved, lost. This last year has been a sequence of life proves: from my job situation until my health, from the lack of love until the essence of it, from my victories that turned into losses. I am at that turning point in which you ask to yourself: “and now what?” what am I going to do with my life: not my parent life or my boyfriend life, no, my own life, Isabella life! Am I going for a speech therapist course? Am I moving to the Como Lake? Am I leaving my boyfriend? Am I closing doors with my family? Am I going to write my book finally?
Am I simply going to face life or keep it quite under this duvet?
Answers, answers, answers! A suffocate pressure in my veins. I mean it literally. Recently my heart is beating faster than usual and it’s happening now that my deadline is closer and closer. So quick Isabella: answers.
Masterpieces take time. That’s my excuse. I really want to do something great out of my life. I still don’t know which one is my destiny, my way to happiness. For sure I will not find it under this duvet but I am so tired of everyone ready with answers and solutions that are not me. Too many “bla bla bla ” that are only “lari fari” to me: I want to finally feel it in my soul: I will find my own way, I just need time to work on my masterpiece and once finish it will be the best of me. Get ready World, I am waking up.