It will be better in time

It will be better in time. That’s what they always say: it doesn’t matter how painful is the moment, soon it will be better. I used to believe in it, quite a lot: every time I felt, I manage to raise up again: and day after day, tear after tear, I healed my scars.
Since then the idea that time can cure a love pain or a lost was deeply settle in my soul. No doubts: after each fight with my mum, after a break up, after an illness, everything would have been better in time.
Recently I had to prove hardly this theory: would it be better in time? Would I be able to raise, stand up and be brave? Would I start living my life the way I planned it? Would I ever be the happy me I was once upon a time?
Who was I? When I was just a little girl I asked myself why I see things different from anyone else: I was sensitive at the ultrasounds, I was sure that a “smile-therapy” could heal my sickness, I was betting on losers to win, I kissed a foreigner when I was only at the high school (such a shame at that time). I have always been the black sheep dressed up with a rainbow: I had fear of nothing, I was stubborn and optimist at the same time.
I believed that there is always a good side, always a hope.
I find it hard to believe now. I passed my last few months looking for a light, for some hope, for a reason to get through life. I found unkindness, selfishness, pain. I found another me; but despite my two souls, I felt lost. None of them was me anymore: the innocent positive smiling little princess had to face life and get burned. The strong ice queen destroyed her reign feeling nothing but sadness. They promised me it would have been better in time, but it didn’t happen. The time passed and my hopes flew away with the last storm. I took a plane and I flight back home to find my origins; I found them frozen as I left them when I moved to UK. I found them frozen but in a cold ground. It took time to blow some love on that memories and bring everything to life again, because it didn’t matter how strong my love was, the abyss I create was too deep.
I passed days trying to wake up my relationships and as it failed, I passed my nights crying on my destiny. Where has the love gone?
My heart is broken between my boyfriend and my family; my souls are apart: crashed into two walls to keep the little princess and the ice queen far away from each other.
I create these two “me” to be safe and use one or the other depending on the situation. I guess the solution of all my troubles would be to let them walk hand by hand; to let the true love making magic: my love story should be between the princess and the queen: that’s my love battle, that’s my mission. I have to let my two souls be a unique soul mate; the love of my life is myself. Then and only then, hopefully, it will be better in time.
But the pain I have to go through to reach the goal is so high and deep at the same time. I feel myself ready to fly and on the edge to crash. I know this time it would be me, only me. No family, no friends, no boyfriend. This is me, alone. This time it’s gonna be tuff because I cannot close myself in ice again waiting for my prince. Last time it happened and I will love my hero for the rest of my life for that: he saved me from a frozen building based on my broken heart deeply buried into the iced ground. He gave me hope, love, kindness, himself. That’s why I find so hard to start my journey without him next to me. But if not physically, he will be in me: finding warmth in the little princess arms and fresh wind on the ice queen goodnight kiss. In our dreams we will be side by side.
Who gave me the strength to start this travel, methods apart, has been my family. To them I would like to ensure that my love for them is unlimited, anchored in my heart and ready to sail with me. A life together cannot be deleted only by some life events. I thought that my journey was starting when I moved to UK, but that’s another story, a life ago. Now the true battle is no more to survive in a foreign country and show off how much I am able to sacrifice for my independence. This time is me, leaving my family house, creating my own one, find a way to come back home on my own feet; not anymore hand by hand with mummy and daddy, not anymore convinced by my boyfriend. This time I will do my journey for myself only.
I have to admit that I was on the edge of a river, ready inside and outside to give up on everything: one more day and I would have switched off myself and obeyed to them all.
But the true love I still have for my boyfriend and the unconditionally affection for my family kept my mind together and now I am ready to step back from that river edge and walk away: wandering through life obstacles and finally finding myself. And with each step I make, I will leave behind me a piece of pain to be finally free, when I reach the sun.
Thinking how could I start this journey, I realised that I cannot simply run away from the past: it has to stay inside my bag and be ready for when I need to face it. I cannot say goodbye to my boyfriend, only a “see you soon” in the everyday life. I cannot close doors with my family ‘cause they are part of me, my DNA, my memories. It will be another “see you soon” in everyday life.
They say: “if they love you, they will follow you”. That’s what I asked to who I love: walk with me, on the parallel street so every time I will need your love, I would have just to turn my face and I will see you walking through your life; waiting for the moment we will cross each other ways. There is no more space for what people want from me, but for what I need from people. I have to do it for myself.
If you love me, follow me and it will be better in time.

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