I think too much, I act nothing.
This big fight I am having inside is destroying me in a way I didn’t know yet. I keep pausing my life in the hope of finding a reason for all of it, a way out to this desperate living. Day by day, month by month, I didn’t figure it out a single solution. Probably it doesn’t even exist, I am just chasing ghosts.
I had plans, I had a list, I had to tick off my problems one by one. I end up by collecting them and feed them with anxiety and sadness.
I came here to UK to shake my existence, to have a second chance and make it in life. After two years, I thought I’ve done a lot, but it looks like I am at the starting point again. If I move to another place, it’s a matter of time it will be the same. The problem is not the place I am in, the obstacle is myself: unable to live alone and reach happiness in myself only. I swear I would love to scream until the words dry out, show the whole me and release the hurricane. But, too many people could suffer, too many wounded.
I realized, by talking to people, that everyone has an opinion; everyone has a solution. Everyone but me.
I collect and spread so much pain in this last year on the name of growing up and be myself that I didn’t count the weight of consequences. After losing the one I loved, after changing houses and jobs, after crying at night and surviving during the day, after fights and love, now I give up.
No more energies for me. No more dreams or things in the list to tick off. No more search of happiness. No more fighting to show the whole me. No more.
Holding this thought in my head, I started rolling underneath the duvet. Few toes coming out from the very end of the bed and my head as it was under water, in an oblivion where sounds and silence are fused. In that almost unreal atmosphere, I saw myself giving up, chasing a relief. I saw myself months after the “give up moment” seating on a sofa waiting for next order. Then in realized I was pressing my fingers against my left arm, the pressure I was exercising was giving me a little pain, enough to hold on. I was hurting myself.
I pulled my head out of the water, my feet kicked the imaginary oblivion under me, I raised up. Finally, with my head and body out of the duvet, I understood: giving up is not the solution. It’s my very end. I collect myself still covered by tears and I started this article.
The pain, the bad moments, the obstacles, the lack of oxygen when in a crying crisis, the sense of guilty, life slapping my face. The whole of it wasn’t enough to obscure the Love I received, the people I met, the great memories, the cuddles in the night, the smiles and the tricks he was used to play to me to distract me. As a daddy that sees the kid hurt and on the edge of crying, he quickly saved the moment by showing him an airplane in the sky.
Some of my friend left, some of my relatives left my side, the ones that once declared to love me, left me. At the end of the trip, few are left: few friends, few family, one big love. I can keep pausing myself and blame all those who left a hole in my heart, or I can realize that some holes would ever be filled up again, I simply have to let them behind me. I need to leave winter behind me and find a big, new, full of life, ground to plant and give space to those that are still next to me.
To all my readers, to the few of you, I ask you to stop for a minute and think about love, love for yourself.
I discovered that loving myself is not a selfish thing: it doesn’t mean I have to push away the others. I love myself when I am proud of myself: for what I do, what I reach, what I create. I was looking in the wrong direction: I thought that in front of me there was a two ways road: my family or my love. There are not that type of roads my friends, there is me, happy of the sensitive person I am showing the others that it’s possible to love ourselves and the others in the same road. We just need the right light to show us the way.
That’s what I pray for: show me the light so I can stand up and be the leader I am. Because I know, at the end of it, it’s all about love!